Set backs and to the future

My first set back happened a couple of weeks ago.  Up until that point, I had progressed pretty smoothly with my training.  I felt confident with the rappels I had finished and with my skills in determining issues while on rope and being able to successfully fix those issues.  Why the hell is my ankle ascender not working?  Oh yeah - it's caked in mud from the cave the day before.  Why can't I get my chestbox off?  Right - bend your knees and let some slack off of the rope.  Easy stuff.  I was able to manage those things.  I actually surprised myself with what I knew when stuck in certain situations.  Considering I was barely off the ground back in February, I'd say I was doing pretty well.

While at Harper's Ferry a couple of week's ago though, I hit a wall.  I became an instant girl.  I try to pride myself on my strength and the fact that I don't become a giant (fill in girl body part here) when it comes to certain things, but on occasion I will crack.

The day started off well, but Jesus was it hot!  100 degrees most of the day - and humid.  You'd think for this Louisiana girl, I could take it - but you know what happens in Louisiana when it gets that hot?  Yeah, people stay inside or swim.  No mountains to hike up or rappel over in that state!  So, as I said - it was hot.  Sweat was dripping from my back into my pants.  (Gross I know, but you can imagine how uncomfortable it is to have sweat dripping on your girl parts while hiking up a mountain with a 55 lb. pack on your back.)  This photo about sums up my attitude at one point.

(Not sure what Rob was thinking at this time, but he seemed relatively happy.)

We arrived at the top with a total of 11 people.  The group from the Allentown Grotto (who I went to Sites Cave with the day before) were in attendance too.  Did I mention it was hot?

After waiting for my turn for what seemed like a very long time, I managed to get to the lip and get mentally prepared for my rappel.  This was the first time I was on my 24 inch rack (or rappelling device as someone once said, because my "rack" is bigger than 24 inches). The difference between a 24 inch rack and a 12 or 16 (or whatever length my other one is) is mind boggling.  It is not even worth explaining here.  Just know it takes some getting used to.  My rappel was slow.  Really slow.   My mind kept telling me that I was moving at warp speed and TinY kept telling me I could go "a little faster."  I didn't have to feed rope, which can be extremely tiring on your right arm, but the word "creep" might be a better word to use to describe what I did.

After the rappel, which I completely beat myself up over, it was time to make the climb.  I'd done the climb before and wasn't really nervous about it, but right about the time that I got on rope to climb, the gang at the top radioed down to me about a potential storm coming.  Yeah, this is what they saw.

This is not what I saw.  I was already on rope and about 25 ft. up. TinY, Dutch and I were at a decent pace when the clouds decided to open up and dump rain and hail on us.  You've heard it before - "It's raining sideways!" 


I have never been scared on rope before.  I have never had my voice crack and become a total freak spaz before. At least not on rope.  I CAN be a spaz, but it usually involves something much more complicated - like walking or staying out of the way of a wall. And when I become scared, I get angry.  I swear a lot.  I cannot help it.  I become sailor mouth almost immediately and I say the "f" word as many times as possible. This was such the case here.  


Me: "Fuck, it's raining!"
TinY: "Yes.  Doesn't it feel nice?"
Me: "Fuck it's windy!"
TinY: "Yes, it is."
Me: "Fuck I'm scared."
TinY: "Of what?"
Me: "Of fucking dying or fucking falling or  - I don't KNOW!"
TinY: "You will not die here...keep climbing."
Me: "I can't."
TinY: "Why?  It's just rain.  You will be fine."
Me: "Fuck."

This is me after that climb.  Looks like I'm saying the "f" word in my head, right?  But, I'm still alive. And it felt good and I was not sure why I was scared.  Fear of the unknown, I guess.  I had two very competent people with me and it was fine.  I struggled with the lip in the rain, but managed to get over it with only maybe three or four more instances of the "f" word.  Why does it feel so good to say it?? Maybe because I have the cleanest mouth at work?  Yes, that is it. It's hard to a working professional who wears heels and pencil skirts to work (and makeup) and then try to be myself on the weekends.  You have to let loose sometimes!

Fast forward now to the next rappel of the day.  After all of that, I STILL needed another successful rappel.  My creep down the side of the cliff was hardly what I would call a successful rappel, so I felt I needed another one.  So, back down to the lip we went.  And here is where the breakdown happened.

I wanted to rappel

Most people I have met in the caving community see rappelling as a means to an end.  The reason they learn rappelling is so they are not limited to the types of caves they visit.  Many caves have vertical entrances and vertical drops within them and the only way to see the cave is to learn how to get into it that way.  It's a form of transportation to and from the cave.

When I started caving, vertical is all I wanted to do.  I had no (or little) skill in rappelling and even less knowledge of what it would take to learn it.  I just knew I wanted to know how to do it -- for the sake of the drop.  I wanted to be that little silouette you see in all the pictures of vertical caves.

You know, like this picture.  See those tiny people?  I wanted to be that person.  I wanted to learn the technique and wanted to experience the drop.  I didn't care if it there was a cave below.  It became an obsession of mine. 

So from January until now, I have been on this mission to master the rope.  My ultimate goal is to rappel and climb El Capitan in 2013.  I will record my struggles and successes here.  It will help me focus on how far I've come and how far I need to go.  

I am many moons behind on this concept of blogging.  In fact, I don't even particularly care for the idea of it.  It seems self-righteous, self-absorbed and a very good example of the term my friend Sarah coined -- mehavior (behavior that is all about "me").  I am not even sure I want the entire world reading  about my fears, my challenges, my successes or any other emotion I have on this physical and emotional journey that I am embarking on.  Having said all of that though, I have given in to my misgivings and started this blog to record my journey.  To be honest, I expect encouragement and positive energy from anyone who reads this.  I won't always have positive things to say myself and sometimes I will feel beaten down and sorry for myself.  For the readers, you will have to deal with it.